Chapter 11: Lost and confused

It’s been 12 years since originally writing a book about my son Normie. I would like to share my experience on how my life has changed since my son was murdered.  Richie, second son, and I still have no closure to Normie’s untimely death.

Around November of 1998 my husband wasn’t feeling well. His back was always causing him pain. About 6 months prior he said that while laying on the floor a buffer had gotten away from him and hit him in the back. He associated his back pain to the buffer hitting him.

I told him he needed to see a doctor.  He was working at a hospital so I said go see someone there.  He had a lot of tests done.  The tests came back saying he had arthritis of the spine.  He was given some pills for pain and swelling. A few months went by and he had little relief, in fact his pain got worse.  I told him I was going to call the doctor and ask some questions.  I found out one test that he should have had was never performed.  I told the doctor I wanted him to have an MRI because I felt that something else was wrong with him.  It just wasn’t right that he continued to have pain so frequently and that it wasn’t going away.

He finally had an MRI, which lead to biopsies.  A few weeks later, in February of 1999, he was diagnosed with cancer. I was in no way prepared to here the word CANCER.  My whole world was, again, turned upside down. I took care of my husband as he was in a lot pain from chemo.  He told me his whole body was in pain.  I felt so bad for him.  We had gone through so much I didn’t know how much more we could take.  My husband kept on working regardless of how he felt; he said it helped him get through.

I went to all his chemo treatments with him.  I watched him waste away to nothing.  I felt so bad for what he was going through.  I didn’t know how to help him except just being there for him.  He felt we needed to make some plans for whatever was going to happen, because I never worked a day in my life.  I was a stay-at-home mother and because this is what my husband wanted.  I enjoyed staying home.

Before my husband’s diagnosis I had written a few letters to one of Normie’s old girlfriends.  Within in a few weeks I received a letter back and it was very harsh.  I started to read some of it and I was upset by what it said about my son.  I knew some of it was true but there were other things I didn’t know about.  I wrote back to her and said I was very sorry about everything.  I didn’t want to hurt her; I was just trying to help her get through what happened to my son.  I heard she had a hard time dealing with Normie’s death and I knew how she felt because I was having a hard time myself.  This made me feel like I was helping someone, and at the same time helping me deal with my grief.

You’re never prepared to bury your child before you. Then the ex-girlfriend sent another letter. She apologized for saying those things about Normie and that she loved my son. I only read a few lines of the letter because I had gotten a phone call from the doctor regarding my husband. It was then I heard my husband had cancer. I put the letters away without reading them thoroughly. I was in shock about my husband and I didn’t want to hear any more bad news.  In the meantime my husband’s mother called as she had heard he was very sick. My husband talked a long time with his mother. After he got off the phone he told me his mother still loved him and to keep in touch with her.

In March of 1999, we received great news. We were expecting our first grandchild, and also a new niece in April. This gave my husband a purpose to fight through what was going on in his body.  Heaven Lee our granddaughter was born at the end of March and Katelyn our niece was born around the end of April. There were two miracles in two months.  My husband was so proud he had a granddaughter. He was so happy because I watched Heaven during the day and he got to see her all the time. He tried to keep everyone full of hope about how he was feeling.

I could see he was just getting worse. I felt that the chemo was only making him worse.   We talked, and he decided not to take any more chemo and instead just go for the radiation. There was a new chemo that the doctor wanted my husband to try after the radiation.  The doctor gave us some pamphlets about this new chemo, and a week to think about it. In the next two weeks my husband began going for radiation treatments.  My husband thought about his treatment long and hard. He decided not to continue the chemo any more.

On this particular day, he had a bad feeling about this type of chemo. We went to the doctor’s office to get his blood tested to see if the radiation treatments helped.  My husband told the nurse he was not going to take the chemo. I went out to our truck to get his tea and when I came back in the doctor’s office he was hooked up to the chemo. I said, “I thought you were not going to do this.” My husband told me the nurse talked him into a different type of chemo instead and had high hopes it would be helpful. This course of chemo lasted about an hour or two. On the way home he was feeling good enough to stop for ice-cream.

By the time we got home he had become very weak and fell up the stairs. Good thing I was next to him because I caught him before he fell. He asked me to go for his pills. I said the pills would have to wait because I don’t want to leave him alone. I wanted to call his father so he could come and stay with my husband. My husband said please go I don’t need a babysitter I needed my pills.  So I went to get his pills against my better judgment.   When I came back he was pacing the floor back and forth. My husband took his pills and within twenty minutes he said the pain was starting to go away.  He was tired and went in the bedroom to go to sleep.

Around ten o’clock, three hours after he had gone to bed, I went to check on him he was not responsive. I called the paramedics.  I pleaded with my husband and said “please don’t go, I need you, wait the paramedics are coming, hold on!” The police came and pulled me into another room so the paramedics could do their job.  They asked if he had signed a DNR, and I said “no.”   The paramedics were working on him which seemed like forever. I called my son Richie and told him what was happening. Richie arrived in a matter of minutes.

The sheriff and paramedics came out and said “I’m sorry we did everything we could, but couldn’t revive him.” The entire family came to our home.  We all cried together and tired to console each other.   My husband passed away the evening of June 18, 1999.   My husband was so strong willed that he worked two days before he passed away. He loved his job and the people he worked with and this kept him alive. The funeral came and went so quickly it didn’t seem real. Again Richie and I were faced with another tragedy, my husband was only 52, and I felt this just wasn’t his time. He was too young. Richie and I lost two of the most important people in our lives, my son and husband, and his father and brother. We were faced with a lot of decisions to make.  I was not ready to face these losses nor did I expect the impact of the way my whole life was going to change.

I had never worked a day in my life outside my home and now had to get a job. Trying to deal with grief and the thought of losing my house was beyond my control.  My son Richie helped me keep my sanity by calling and keeping in touch.  Watching my granddaughter also helped. Everything was hitting me at once. I was lost in my own mind trying to deal with everything but also trying to keep a good front.  My husband’s family tried to help in any way they could. My father-in-law and his wife Dolly of 30 years were a great support. They were at my house all the time. My father-in-law basically told me I would not have to worry they would always be there to help in any way they could. My father-in-law was like a father to me, because I lost my father a few years back. He always called me for help with his cable and putting things together for him. I took my mother-in-law Dolly shopping every week for groceries. They were getting up in age and they needed help with many things. My father-in-law took my husband’s, his son’s death very hard. I would go and visit and we would always talk about my husband and my son and the memories we had of all the great times. He would always start to talk about my husband and how much he missed him.

My sister-in-law worked for a company that offered me a job to work at night because I watched my granddaughter during the day. I started part time and that really helped me start dealing with my life.  I worked nights for about a year or two. I went to days after my daughter-in-law stopped working and I no longer needed to watch my granddaughter.  My job meant everything to me and gave me strength to get through my grief. This meant I could stand on my own two feet, and my husband would be proud. I was able to keep my home and do many other things I wanted to do.  I was scared that without my husband here I would not be financially stable. I made new friends, which helped me deal with all of the loss in my life.

My daughter-in-law and my son Richie were expecting their second child.  My first grandson was on his way February of 2001.  I just wish my husband and son were here to be a part of all of this. My husband would be so proud to have grand-kids, and would enjoy spoiling them.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer 2002.  A year of pain my mother suffered before she passed in 2003. I thought my husband had a painful death, I was wrong, my mom suffered much longer.  Cancer is a very horrible disease. My mother, her sister, her brother and her father all died of cancer. I know what the word cancer means and what others who are diagnosed go through.  Their experience and that of their loved ones is horrible, through all treatments.

Then my mother-in-law Dolly got sick and had a stroke, she was in the hospital for a while and had to go to rehab. Then my father-in-law Norm Sr. got sick with emphysema. He was in and out of the hospital for several months.  Taking Dolly to the hospital to visit Norm Sr. was difficult for me as these brought back terrible memories about my son’s death. When I pulled in the parking lot and went up to his room, I would always get dizzy and felt like I needed to get out of there. I would sit outside of the hospital and wait for her.  I could not go back into that building. This was very hard on me I tried many times to not feel that way but I could not get over that feeling. Passing funeral homes were even too much for me at times. When I attend funerals I become physically sick. It takes a few days for me to get back to a sense of normalcy. Norm Sr. and Dolly knew how I felt, and they understood me. Soon after Dolly passed away, we lost all over again. Norm Sr. loved Dolly and it seemed he was so lost with out her.  Norm Sr. got sick and ended up in and out of the hospital until his passing.

Things were starting to happen with my sister-in-laws, they were very different people. They said some very hurtful things that I couldn’t get over.  My sister-in-laws changed and I felt like I didn’t belong to a family who would say things about their brother that they should have kept to themselves.  My husband did everything for them like putting their floors in when needed. He was a carpenter. The hurtful comments affected my son and me, so I broke ties with them which I felt this was like a death all over again. It was a very sad good-by after 32 years of being a family.  It was like no one was left but me and my son Richie.  My husband and I had always hosted his family, which I called my family in our home. I just didn’t feel the same about them any more after everything that has happened in our lives.

I reached out to my mother-in-law, my husband’s biological mother.  We began talking and formed a new relationship. Soon after, I found a friend in my husband’s mother. I wasn’t in contact for a while because of everything that had happened with the family. I apologized to her for all the years that past not keeping in touch. I told her I wanted to make things right and I would like her to be involved in our lives because I see how fast life can change on a dime, these 22 years proves what life is all about. We lost so much in our lives people need to take responsibility for all of what they do.

Our lives are starting to get back on track. I have four lovely grandchildren, two boys and two girls. I have a relationship with my mother-in-law and I had her meet her great grandchildren. The kids were shy at first but my granddaughter Heaven fit right in she started talking like she knew her for years. We spend Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve together and this felt very right. Christmas Eve is when we get together, the grandparent’s, grand kids, I of course, my son and his wife and her mother. This was very surreal. I cherished and being sad at the same time all the holidays now because we never know what may happen. I wish my husband and son could be here to see all of us now. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time and change a few things in our lives. I know this is not possible. I have to live with what we have today.