Chapter 4: Funeral

Now came the hard part of preparing for the funeral, which I was not in the right state of mind to handle. Not only did we have to worry about the funeral but something else happened.  There was a bullet hole that was shot through both windows of my truck. My sister-in-law stepped in and helped because I was not up to doing anything, except wanting to die myself and be with my son.  All I could think of was Normie and how he was doing.  In some weird way that is what kept me going.

I called St. Laurence High School to talk with Father Norm. I wanted him to read over my son at the wake.  He knew Normie personally from school.  He was glad to give the reading and asked if he could help in any other way.  I did ask if he would please talk to Richie because he needed someone to talk to.  I felt Richie was too quiet while dealing with the loss of his older brother.  Father Norm also told me that they would watch over Richie when he returned to school. I thanked Father Norm for helping out and he said to me if I needed to talk to call him anytime.  St. Laurence School was very helpful to us.

I only remember bits and pieces from those days.  I felt like I was floating on a cloud looking down at everything that was happening. I felt like all of this was a dream.  I hoped soon I would wake up and everything would be alright once again.  Though this was not a dream, it was my reality.  I remember talking with friends and family, although I have some memory of what was said.  The day of the funeral Father Norm was reading over Normie.  He was talking and non-stop tears rolled down my cheeks.  My thoughts were with Normie who I would never see again on earth.  The thought of never seeing his smiling face, smelling his cologne or see him do his funny little walks through our home again was more than I could handle.  As I glanced over to see my Normie laying in his casket so still, I almost convinced myself he looked like he was still breathing.

No one should ever have to lose a child.  My mind then went back in time for a few moments. I thought of the last words Normie said to me, “Mom, see you around ten o’clock because I have to work tomorrow.” But that tomorrow never came, the tomorrow where I could hear his voice.  I would give anything to hear those words again. Just then I heard the voice of father Norm ending a sentence and I was snapped back into present time. I looked over to Normie in that casket only to see the harsh reality of what was going on here.  Then like a ton of bricks it hit me, I would be leaving my son behind in that casket and I would never see him again.  The pain in my heart was so overwhelming I cannot even describe it or put it into words.

All I kept thinking is why did his friends let this happen?  My mind kept going back and forth so much that I couldn’t think or see straight. Then Father Norm was ending his reading and we had to now go to the cemetery to bury my son.  I did not want him to be put in the ground.  I knew I would never see him again.  When the last rose was placed on his casket something just came over me.

It was like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest.  I didn’t want to see him go in this way.  I couldn’t feel anything at this point.

It was over so friends and family came back to our home where we had some food.  To me nothing mattered, my life was over.  All I could think of was that someone shot and killed my son.  I couldn’t reconcile the fact that he was put in the ground.  To me this was not a celebration.  I tried to pretend like nothing was wrong.  I needed to be strong for my son Richie.  He looked like he was in a daze and his eyes were so blank.  I tried to comfort him, but he kept telling me everything was alright.  I knew different, he as we all were in shock over losing his brother. Richie was worried about me so he tried to be strong.

I kept going off in to another room for a while at a time to make any sense of this whole nightmare.  I would sob and did not want anyone to see me.  I kept thinking my life was over.  The pain left a big hole in my heart.  No words can describe how empty I felt inside.  I needed to be alone and I did not know how to tell everyone to go.  I walked around talking with everyone trying to be strong for my son Richie.

Finally the time came and they all left.  I went in the living room, sat in a chair and stared blankly out of a window. I stayed there and ended up crying myself to sleep in that chair.  Sometime after I fell asleep I awoke very startled and in a panic, tears streaming from my eyes.  I kept hearing my Normie calling for me, “HELP ME MOM.”  For months I kept getting headaches and had the same recurring dream of my son.  I would feel the bullet hit my head and hear my son calling for me.  When night would come I would be so afraid to go to sleep.  The feeling of emptiness I felt never let up.  It was as if I was stuck at the bottom of a pit and I could not get out.

Everyone kept telling me, “you have another son that needs you and you should concentrate on him.”  Well sadly I did not want to hear that. All I wanted was my oldest son, my first born.  I was blinded by his death I couldn’t understand why someone would shoot him.  I wanted to know why he died and why God would punish me.  But no answers would come.

There were so many questions that were unanswered.  I just wanted to die.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love my son Richie. It was that the pain of losing Normie to murder blinded me.  I couldn’t deal with what happened and I had nothing to give anyone around me including my youngest child.  I was an empty shell and I didn’t think I would ever function again.  Most times I was on autopilot and I tried my hardest to pretend nothing was wrong.  However when evening came and I was alone I felt as each day passed more of me was dying inside.